One Arm


I have found grief to feel a lot like what I imagine it feels like to lose a body part... like losing your arm. You can’t imagine life without your arm, but if it’s taken away, you just have to learn how to live without it. And you do. You learn how to do all the things you used to do, but with that part of you missing.


At first, all you can think about is the missing arm. You can’t sleep at night because you can’t stop thinking about how important that arm is (was) to you. You wake up in the morning forgetting that you lost it, but then you look down and immediately remember that it’s gone. That actually happened! It wasn’t just a bad dream. You wake up in the nightmare and have to figure out how to get out of bed, how to be a person with all the same responsibilities, and just pretend like your arm isn’t missing.


It feels like a constant throb, and you wonder why everyone isn’t seeing your missing arm and asking if you’re okay and how they can help you get it back. This is the hardest part. The invisible sadness that you want everyone to help you carry, but no one can actually see. And even when you say, “I can’t believe my arm is gone,” people say things like, “Oh, I’m sure you’ll get it back,” or “You’re better without that arm.” But those words aren’t true, and they don’t help. So you learn to stop talking about your missing arm.


Time passes, and you still have days where all of this is happening. But you also start to feel a little less completely consumed by it, and life provides enough distraction and enough responsibility that you can feel yourself digging your way out… with one arm.


Eventually, you start to see how lucky you are to have the other arm. The one that never gave up on you and kept pulling you out of bed each day, brushing your teeth, wiping your tears, feeding you and keeping you going.


And one day, you realize that you can do it all with one arm. You are overcome with appreciation for that arm and the rest of your body... and for the sunrise, the birds singing, the warm breeze, laughter, and music. And you reflect on all the time you "put in at the gym". You still miss your other arm but if you got it back your body would feel off balance. Maybe one day that won't be the case. But for now, you feel good building the muscles you've got.

All that sadness and longing has been transformed into gratitude.

And there you are, stepping into your new life with one arm that is stronger and can do more than those two arms ever understood was possible.


Some people are lucky enough to keep both arms and strengthen them both as the years go on.

Anyone who read this far, this is my wish for you.

Two boys in cowboy hats smile with arms around each other in a sunny green field.
Two boys wearing cowboy hats pose together with arms around each other in a green field.
Two kids in cowboy hats sit on a metal farm gate smiling in a black and white photo.
Two boys wearing cowboy hats stand together on a green hillside with pine trees behind them.
Two boys in cowboy hats stand in a pasture with a flock of sheep grazing behind them.
Two boys in cowboy hats chat and play in a grassy field with trees in the background.
Two boys and an adult feed a black lamb near grazing sheep in a pastoral field.
Two boys wearing cowboy hats sit together on a metal farm gate in black and white.
Two boys in cowboy hats lean on a metal farm gate in a black and white photo.
Young boy in a brown cowboy hat holds a black lamb while being bottle-fed on a farm.
Two boys in cowboy hats sit together under a pine tree on a hay-covered hillside.
A white sheep walks toward the camera on a dirt path in a sunny green field.
Two boys in cowboy hats sit in a field bottle-feeding a small black lamb together.
Two boys in cowboy hats tend to a black lamb in a sunny field on a farm.
Three sheep grazing on green grass in a field with trees in the background.
Smiling boy wearing a brown cowboy hat and gray t-shirt stands in a lush green field.
Confident boy in black cowboy hat and t-shirt stands with arms crossed in a green field.
Two smiling boys hug outdoors in a black and white photo, one holding a cowboy hat.